The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza- Danza III: The Series Of Unfortunate Events (Metal Blade)

An album that administers the assfucking of your life.
Release Date: 
6 Jul 2010 (All day)

Your natural urge will be to hate The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza. After all, it's the most dumbass fucking name ever. Deliberately stupid obviously (although nowhere near as stupid as The Berzerker or er... fucking Saxon), but still, they're doing themselves no favours.

But then you hear them.

My god. Danza create heavy music so forward thinking, tricky and outright savage that it makes every other shitty metal band you've heard sound like Crowded House or something. Their sophomore release Danza II: Electric Boogaloo, was a tricksy little record that wriggled and spazzed about, refusing to stay still. It was a cracker. Where albums by their contemporaries lumbered around in big iron boots, trousers filled with piss, Danza II: Electric Boogaloo went around on rocket skates with an ice cream in one hand and its willy in the other. It was faster, cockier (literally) and just downright better than anything else.

Danza III: The Series Of Unfortunate Events however, does not dance around on rocket skates. Danza III: The Series Of Unfortunate Events fucking CRUSHES. I make no exaggeration here, when I say this might be one of the heaviest records I've ever heard. Big hulking 8-string guitars, dazzling fleet-fingered shredding, throat-fucking vocals and disorientating crashing drumwork. What they've lost in pace on this record, they've more than made up for in sheer density.

The record wastes no time, blasting straight into the polyrythmic avalanche of Vikki Mayhem, a song that makes certain Meshuggah-aping idiots (hello Periphery!) sound hilariously impotent. If you're not intrigued at this point, you're probably old. Or stupid. Or from Stirling [UK]. The next song Yippie Kie Ay Motherfucker meanwhile, lords about like a fucking mammoth who's just had his wheelie bin set on fire. Sammy Jankis is next, opening with a chugging off kilkter riff, before it breaks into some insane discordant guitar trickery. Seriously, some of this shit needs to be heard to believed.

Basically, for 50-odd minutes, they go on the rampage. Josh Travis's guitar work is absurd. He's horrifyingly proficient, but not in a stupid way like Steve Vai or something. Dude can shred, but he doesn't do it all the time, which is nice. Vocalist Jessie Freeland meanwhile sounds like someone spilled his pint. Homeboy's PISSED. When he starts roaring 'THEY WILL NEVER TAKE US ALIVE,' by god you believe the bastard.

And what's more, the album's FUN. You know fun yes? It's something that metal albums often forget to be. Not Danza III though. Danza III will have you grinning like a man who's dropped a silent one in a lift. It's just so... er... groovy. You could totally dance to it or something, although not with a girl because you'd probably end up headbutting her by accident. But then again most girls are awful so would that be a bad thing?


Highlights? Impossible to pick, although Suicide's Best Friend is a scorcher (check out the whammy bend stuff near the end. Oooof!). Every song however, has you wanting to punch the fuck out of a lion or something. Every song has a moment where you're wondering 'HOW THE FUCK DID JOSH TRAVIS DO THAT.' Every song basicaOH FUCK JUST GET IT YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS - IT'S BRILLIANT.

The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza's Danza III: The Series Of Unfortunate Events is out on 6 July on Metal Blade.