There Will Be Blood (and alcohol and unplanned pregnancies)

We asked our finest writer to do a fair, balanced preview of the upcoming Bloodstock festival. Unfortunately he was ill so we got Wanker Gorlock, who covered the festival in 2009, to do it instead.

Hello. I'm Count Gorlock. Writer, Sexgod, Hero. Regular readers of this site will know I covered Bloodstock last year and wrote a stupidly long, confessional account of my time there, in which I had a big girly moan about all the power metal bands, and the fans, and the fact that I couldn't put my bloody tent up, and the fact that I'm generally a big, skittish neurotic man-child mess.

The music was largely, er... not my cup of tea. Every time I think of Wolf or Sabaton or Girlschool (that is your future writ large FEMALES) a chill crawls down my arched spine. I've also decided that Saxon are my lifelong enemies. I'm pretty sure if I were atop a cliff, engaging in mortal battle with Bif Byford (involving swords, flails and plasma rifles), I could quite comfortably defeat him. All it would take would be a slight feint here and an uppercut there, and a bag of Werthers Originals to distract the old goon, and his head would be mine, and I would invoke the quickening. There can be only one.

Thing is, I enjoyed the festival itself, and it wasn't a total washout for me musically. Carcass, Municipal Waste, Anathema, Candlemass and The Haunted were plenty fun. I never ran into any bother either, and it was well organised and no bother to navigate. These things are important to a townie like me. I just kinda wished the festival had more modern stuff. Ya dig?

Well, it seems God possessed the Bloodstock organisers this year, as they've only gone and answered my prayers. Hurrah!

Whilst Bloodstock '09 crawled out of a cave with a brain splattered cudgel and a loincloth that barely covered its bulbous ballsack, Bloodstock '10 flies out on a jetpack with great big fucking laser cannons strapped to its arms. There is terminator metal in abundance this year, and it makes me a very happy bastard. Let's have a rundown of the bands that make my willy go a bit funny.

Behemoth- Must confess, I only listened to Behemoth's latest album Evangelion to take the piss, because I'm a sniping little fanny who can find nothing better to do with my time than make fun of people more talented and successful than I will ever be. But then I ended up really liking the bloody album didn't I? Harumph. They'll be rad live I bet.

Gojira- I wasn't too keen on The Way of All Flesh, but From Mars to Sirius was the mad notes. It made me want to mount a flying whale and scream 'CARS ARE BAD YOU WANKERS.' They bring it live, too.

Cannibal Corpse- I absolute bloody adore Cannibal Corpse. Seriously. Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye, rip out my entrails through my... you get the point. I hate most death metal bands, but Cannibal Corpse are great because they're waaaaay more violent, manic and ridiculous. Plus, Corpsegrinder is a hero. You only need to see his Warcraft video to realise that. I wish he was my neighbour. He'd be like the guy from Tim Allen's Home Improvement, only instead of advising me how to fix my sham of a marriage he'd tell me how best to cut my girlfriend's tits off or something. Lovely boys!

Opeth- This has literally just been announced now. I once made whoopee to Opeth. I also once made whoopee to Soilent Green, but I don't want to go into that.

Edguy- I thought this said Deadguy. Ignore me.

Fear Factory- Definitely looking forward to this, as Fear Factory decided to get fucking good again. Yep, after making shitty record after shitty record since Obsolete, Burton ditched the other two losers, made nice with Dino, got some of their mates from Strapping Young Lad, and decided to write a heavy as fuck industrial metal album. Even I liked it. Also if they play Replica and Demanufacture, I will weep tears of bloody joy.

Devin Townsend- They announced this last year, and it was basically what made me think 'oh fuck, guess I'm going to Bloodstock again next year.' It's his only UK show this year, so it's damn near unmissable if you've ever liked his stuff. He's here with his solo stuff, but 2 of his SYL bandmates are at the festival so hopefully he'll get them onstage to perform City in its entirety. If that happened, I'd ejaculate so hard, I'd hallucinate.

Meshuggah- The kings. Meshuggah are the reason I am in this mess in the first place. Meshuggah make music  so forward-thinking, that even your iPad would refuse to play it because it's too futuristic. I have wanted to see this band ever since I heard Future Breed Machine when I was 16. Now, 10 years later, I might get my chance. If I manage to put my stupid tent up in time.

There's something for everyone with Bloodstock this year. Unless you're into Enya. Or Belinda Carlisle. She did a shoot for Playboy btw, and it's pretty smoki... er, anyhoo you've also got stuff like Twisted Sister, Leaves Eyes, er... Suffocation, Evile and other more traditional stuff. I'm not a big fan of any of that, but at least none of them are fucking Saxon.

See? If you're not remotely interested in seeing at least some of that, you're a dunderhead. Of the largest proportion.

Bring on Bloodstock 2010!